Hello, my name is Chris. I am 26 years old and I got married last year. It is my first marriage and her second. We have had our ups and downs, most of the downs are my fault. I have a few problems I was wondering if anyone can help me with.

I have a real hard time being sympathetic or empathetic, it's just really hard for me. I don't know if its from taking care of myself from an early age or from being single for so long. I also haven't really had much social interaction in my life. I pretty much stayed to myself and have a very small group of friends. My wife gets mad if I'm unable to see things from her point of view or sympathieze with her over certain things. She tells me that if i truely loved her, i would be able to. But it's hard. I've never ever really been one to sympathieze.

My second problem, and the one that got me in trouble most, is an adult entertainment addiction. Previously to this marriage, I had been living alone since i graduated from high school, so roughly  6-7 years. I've always been facinated by it, obviously, like most men, from an early age. I believe around 12 was when i started watching movies on the internet, by 14 i had actually built my first adult entertainment website on bluelight.com ( or something similar, been a while, so i forget the name)
Anyways, I watched it pretty fanatically, especially living alone and not having a car, i was pretty much stuck in my apartment alone, as i moved quite far away from my friends. To make a long story short, i've seen alot....ALOT... of internet porn. Any subject you can think of, ive more than likely watched thousands of videos on it. Since being married, I've tried hard to stop my habit, but i'm finding it etremely difficult, especially at first. It's like, it's been hardwired into my brain. After going 2-3 days without seeing anything, its all i can think about while I'm at work, wondering what videos ive missed on my favorite sites, etc. I know it's really really bad, and I want to stop even thinking about it, but my wife doesnt understand how big of an addiction it was for me and how hard it is to just stop. I love her very much, but my trying to sneak peeks online has really destroyed her trust in me, since i told her i was going to stop looking at it all.

I really need help and advice on what to do with both these problems. I do not want to lose my wife and beautiful baby girl because she thinks im an insensitive guy who would rather look at porn that her.

I suffered from porn addiction from 15 - 22.  The only thing that got me unhooked was getting rid of all my porn access...from at leaast three months.  Sadly, that would mean for youto drop the internet...or force yourself to basically be monitored while you use the computer.  Of course, you could always make it a couple's activity and use it to start forplay.

As far as the empathy thing...  I want to start by noting that when my wife and I started dating, I nipped the whole "If you love me" thing in the butt.  The first time she said itto me, I told her that that was completely unfair and insulting and if she ever said that to me in serious tone I'd walk out on her.  But that was before we got married...so maybe just brign it to her attention.  Your empathy skills will develope as you finish maturing.  I have the same problems...the fact is, men generally don't finish maturing until between 27 and 30.

MedKev has dished out some good advice. The porn thing is one of those deals that you have to ask yourself 'How bad do you want to break this addiction?" It is not easy. I too struggled with it for years. I'm not trying to be preachy, but I got into a support group at my church and that helped me alot..... As far as the lack of sympathy and empathy. I personally think Chris there are some deeper issues there than you might think. Sure us guys are not as soft as women to that sort of thing. But if it is an issue in your marriage, chances are there is something bigger keeping that emotion locked up. Talk to someone bro or find books on that sort of thing.

Good Luck 2 U

Hi, Chris, I've been told that I have no sympathy since we started dating, that i have no sympathy.  My reply has always been - and will continue to be - that sympathy does nothing.  Sure I feel bad for suffering innocent victims; if it's someone we know personally I would rather spend the energy to help and resolve the situation.

Strictly speaking on a micro level, if you really think about it, people don't get into those situations overnight.  Most of the time it's the result of a series of bad decisions and wrong actions that lead them there.

I know this sounds harsh, but that's just one guy's opinion.  I welcome your thoughts.

Oliver

You're hardly alone. I think there are millions of us men out here with very similar stories. What helped me a lot in this situation was a lot of spiritual work and meditation on myself as well as some counseling for the two of us.